I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
