I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize