Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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