soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
