he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
