Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
