Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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