I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
