burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
