your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
