You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
