i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize