Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
