Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
