I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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