3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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