Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
