I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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