this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
