Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
