She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
