Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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