i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
