I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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