Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
