There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
