I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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