Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize