I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
