I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize