I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
