Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
