They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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