someone owes me an orgasm
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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