You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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