Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
