She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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