When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
