Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
