Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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