you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
