I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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