You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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