i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
