Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
