Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
