I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
