Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
