sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My ass is underappreciated
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
