I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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