I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
