Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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