I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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