I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
