omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
