My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
