the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
