My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
