Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
